When I was first diagnosed with my lung disease I was single. About two years prior I got out of a relationship I should have never been in anyway! There. was so much pain and anguish in my previous relationship. I hurt a lot of people and people hurt me. It was a time in my life that I feel like I had to go through in order to grow as a woman.
I started writing these letters called Dear Future Partner. They were dedicated to the future person i wanted to marry. A series of letters that said everything I want to tell my future partner about a variety of things. I started doing this Dear Future Partner on twitter. One day I just had this pull in my spirit. I had words to and for love and I wanted to express them. I wished like hell I could get them all back from twitter. I don’t think it’s possible. At any rate, I wanted it to be known that although I’ve been hurt, I have been tried, I have been through lonely and rough times, I have had my heart snatched from me, shredded to pieces, and handed back to me…baby I still believe very much in love.
One entry that stands out is the entry I wrote while in the hospital with a really bad case of pneumonia. This is the entry
Dear Future Partner: In The Hard times
I wasn’t planning on writing to you. Not tonight at least. Not when my thoughts are so juxtaposed. And especially not when I feel like I am so very emotional and mentally weary. You deserve me in a better state of mind. In the past two days I’ve not slept… and I’m in the hospital. I thought everyday life was hard with out you. This trip to the hospital is down right impossible. There’s a Beyonce song (and I know you’re smiling because you know how much I [used to] despise the broad) called Scared of Lonely. And in the song she says
“i’m in this fight/and i’m swinging/and my arms are getting tired/i’m trying to beat this emptiness and i’m running out of time/I’m sinking in the sand, and I can barely stand/I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me/I’m scared of lonely/I try to be patient, but I’m hurting deep inside/And I can’t keep waiting, I need comfort late at night/And I can’t find my way, won’t you lead me home/Cause I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me/I’m scared of lonely
I can’t do this. I want to cry kick and scream because honestly I need you… I need you here because I’m tired. I need you here because I don’t want to be strong. I want you to be strong for me. I want to be able to depend on you to be the rock when all else is quicksand. I need you to be the light at the end of the tunnel when all else is darkness. I need you because I can’t… I mean I can but I just don’t want to do this on my own anymore.
I guess you can call this a plea… GOD I NEED YOU
Forever Your Jewel
This was written in January of 2010. In April, I met someone who I feel, through good times… bad times… hard times… happy times, will love me no matter what. We have had ups and downs in our relationship. But one thing I can say is she is always there for me, and always a phone call/skype call away. She is a major part of my support system. And I love her. I am in love with her.
I called out for love